Hey, listen, Tod, I’m so sorry.

No, Ted, it’s all right. Honestly, the best man got the promotion. End of story.

Thanks.

Nice tie.

Thanks.

I should have worn a red tie to the interview.

No, no, no . . .

Green! With white spots! What the hell was I thinking? My wife said, “Wear the green, it brings out your eyes.” I had a red one on, and she says, “Green.” I have brown eyes for Christ’s sake, what the hell was she talking about?

She has a point. They are sort of flecked with green.

Flecked?

Like little bits of . . .

Is that how they talk at your new condo?

Tod, relax, c’mon . . .

It’s hard to relax when you get the promotion, you move into the new condo . . . where does this leave me?

Hey, now that’s going a bit too far . . .

What did you do, call May and say, “Hello May, why don’t you make sure that Tod wears that fantastic green tie?” Are you two up to something?

Up to something?

I see the way you look at her. The way she laughs at your awful jokes. The way she . . .

That’s it. Enough! Yes, maybe you should have worn a red tie, maybe you should have gotten the promotion, maybe you should have gotten the condo because you got the promotion, but you know what Tod, you didn’t. I did!

Woulda shoulda coulda

Woulda shoulda coulda

You wish you hada, but you didn’t

You wish you were, but you’re not.

Woulda shoulda coulda

Oh if only ida hada

But I didn’t, so I’m not.

June?

Yes, May?

Remember when we both decided to bake cakes for Mr. Hendersons’ son’s birthday party?

Mhm.

And you said, “May, make your vanilla, it’s out of this world.”

It is.

And you made chocolate. You walked in with that exquisite chocolate cake.

There are only two kinds of cake, May.

And it became pretty clear that the children liked the chocolate better, I mean, they didn’t even touch my cake. I mean, kids just generally prefer chocolate. I just didn’t think that . . .

I really hadn’t noticed that.

Oh no?

No.

And in the midst of this cake fiasco you said to me, “Would you look at Tod in that green tie. He looks so nice. I never noticed before that his eyes are flecked with green.”

They are.

So in he walks to Mr. Henderson’s office, into the most important interview of his life, wearing that awful green tie, on my recommendation. And there’s his boss, remembering full well the fact that I, his wife, baked the wrong cake.

What is it that you’re trying to say, May?

Honestly! I just never thought you were capable of being so . . . divisive.

Divisive?

It means sneaky.

I know what it means.

You ought to, you live it.

Woulda shoulda coulda

You wish you hada, but you didn’t

You wish you were, but you’re not.

Woulda shoulda coulda

Oh if only ida hada

But I didn’t, so I’m not.

Wow, Donny, I can’t believe your family is moving to that fancy new condo.

Yeah, we’ve lived next door to each other forever. It’s gonna be weird. But this new place has a pool, so you can come swimming any time you want.

Sure, sure. Donny?

Yeah?

Remember last Father’s Day when we went downtown and bought ties for our dads with our lawn money?

Sure.

And we both liked that red striped tie.

I don’t re–

And you said how dumb it would look if our dads walked into work wearing that same tie.

Um hm yeah, it would have been.

So I bought that green one for my dad.

That one was cool too, Danny.

And our dads both wore the good luck ties that we bought them to that interview with Mr. Henderson for the promotion.

Uh yeah, I guess so.

And your dad got the promotion, and you get to move into the condo with the swimming pool.

You think that I did that on purpose?

Kind of, yeah, I do.

Maybe my dad’s just smarter, or maybe it’s because your mom brought that stupid vanilla cake to Mr. Hendersons’ kid’s birthday party. Vanilla? Yuck. That’s so lame.

Woulda shoulda coulda

You wish you hada, but you didn’t

You wish you were, but you’re not.

Woulda shoulda coulda

Oh if only ida hada

But I didn’t, so I’m not.

Sorry about your boy, Larry.

Yeah.

Blew his brains out, just like that.

We never saw it coming.

Well, how are Danny and May handling it?

Good as can be expected, Jerry.

I guess that that promotion meant more to Tod than anybody thought it did.

Well, Jane and I thought he was a shoo-in. But your boy got it. We were all pretty surprised.

Hmm.

Jerry, I’ve been thinking . . .

Yeah, Larry?

It’s been so great. We’ve been friends since . . .

Forever, our fathers were friends.

Lived next door to each other. Your son Tod married my daughter May.

My son Ted married your daughter June.

In and out of each other’s houses. Sometimes we’d forget where we all lived.

It was like a beautiful dream. Then my son wears a green tie.

And my daughter bakes a vanilla cake.

Vanilla!

What the hell was she thinking?

And that’s it. Over. Just like that!

Poof!

Our grandkids are enemies, June and Ted are moving away to that snooty golf condo, and with Tod gone, May’s got to sell the house.

Just memories now . . .

When a life so full of sorrow

Asks you what you’ve done.

Stick to what you know how

Not

what might

have been.

Basements—they still need cleaning,

Does this have meaning now?

Better wash the car . . .

We meant to drift, (We meant to go far.)

Somewhere—too far,

But we had so much to do, (Paris, Peru)

With hammer, nails, and glue. (Ho-no-lulu)

Hedges—they still need clipping, (Just trim them, just clip them, just make it good.)

Faucets keep dripping too, (I’ll do an honest job if you’ll just . . . )

Find me my tools! (Find me my tools!)

We learned all the rules

From the Fix-it Book for Fools,

It’s a book we like to read . . .

What never happened (I remember.)

Is so damned huge! (I remember.)

And all that did, (Do you remember?)

Is so small . . .  (Too?)

Now there you stand,

You’re the mirror in my rippled pond. (You’re the mirror in my rippled pond.)

Old friend, (Old friend)

Do you remember . . .  (I remember.)

Feet that sprang? (Girls that stared.)

Curly hair?

It was going to be a piece of cake. (It was going to be so great.)

[Instrumental music]

‘Neath the kilohana moona . . .

Sing an ahi ahi toona . . .

For our mana-wa-kolu, wakolulu love.

You’re my kalani wa-hine.

You’re my punahele kane.

You’re my maka-lapua lani, maka-lapua lani dove.

With the aha’aina male, we have reached our grand finale.

Where I pledge my love to, and to you alone.

May our love now last forever, until the moment we say never.

‘Neath the kilohana hau, hau oli moon.

It’s a lovely time

To be livin’ in the present

With an open mind.

See the driftin kinda pleasant.

We get along

Like an old familiar song

Because love is this.

Never speakin’ of our sorrow,

And if it ain’t quite bliss.

We could still get there tomorrow,

And then when we’re lovin’ again.

Sing some other toon-a-loon.

From the mauna to the moana.

You will never be alon-a.

Until a sweeter ku’uipo comes strolling along.

If she’s younger and she’ll kiss me.

I assume you’ll never miss me.

‘Neath the kilohana hau, hau oli moon.

[Instrumental music]

First the state of collapse, then the state of decay.

I was state of the art ‘til I squandered my heart

And it wasted away.

When I chased you away, I had no place to stay.

All alone in my room had to dance with the broom,

I embraced it and swayed.

I danced a rhumba with time,

Which at first felt divine to me.

All of my partners were kind to me

In my fantasy.

I dug tunnels through days,

Lived my nights in a haze.

I made romance a game, all the boys were the same,

Can’t remember a name now . . .

Wouldn’t share them at all, I was having a ball.

Chasing coattails and cocktails and orchids–

The splendid “who cares?” of it all.

I danced a rhumba with time,

Which at first felt divine to me.

All of my partners were so kind to me,

Love was so blind to me.

[Instrumental music]

Tell me what you see?

Nothing.

Tell me what you see?

Raining.

Tell me what you feel?

Wild is the storm all around us.

I sing all the time,

You don’t hear me

–calling you.

Hide the sun, hide the moon,

Feel how it’s raining.

I love rainy nights . . .  days . . .

All of the greens, blues, and grays.

I like rain on skin,

Mist on hair but

–you’re not there.

Find the sun, find the moon,

This storm is passing.

[Instrumental music]

We used to love to sit in the park in the snow.

I wore the wrong boots.

You wanna go?

Let’s just try to stay here for a few more minutes.

As warm love turns to frosty ice,

The penguins move to paradise.

A chilly brow, an arctic flight,

You know the fun is over.

My toes are cold, they freeze the bed.

The climate change is in my head.

This perfect polar pitch we’ve struck,

Love’s cooled again–

My awful luck.

It’s getting cold out here.

It’s bitter cold, it’s bitter sweet.

That cold wind blows

Us down the street.

The fever broke,

It can’t be fixed.

There’s fog when hot and cold are mixed.

It’s getting cold out here.

The fever broke,

It can’t be fixed.

There’s fog when hot and cold are mixed.

It’s getting cold out here.

Okay, number one.

[Instrumental music]

All right. Thank you.

Number two, please.

[Instrumental music]

Next!

[Instrumental music]

Okay, thank you.

[Instrumental music]

Thank you. Just keep moving—that’s good.

[Instrumental music]

Lovely.

Thank you. Lovely work.

Okay everybody, thanks so much for coming. Goodnight.

[Instrumental music]

As warm love turns to frosty ice,

The penguins move to paradise.

A chilly brow, an arctic flight,

You know the fun is over.

My toes are cold, they freeze the bed.

The climate change is in my head.

This perfect polar pitch we’ve struck,

Love’s cooled again–

My awful luck.

It’s getting cold out here.

It’s bitter cold, it’s bitter sweet.

That cold wind blows

Us down the street.

The fever broke,

It can’t be fixed.

There’s fog when hot and cold are mixed.

It’s getting cold out here.